The Strange Case of the Unexpected Fruit

Ok, so there I was standing in my kitchen and gazing with a little horror and a touch of disgust at my fruit bowl. It had, as memory serves, contained a couple of bananas, a chinese pear, and a solitary wizened looking apple.

Imagine my shock to discover a small colony of unexpected grapes lying on the top!

I have several theories about how this came to be, described (in no particular order) below.

  1. Spontaneous manifestation. In all fairness, I only considered this possibility for the briefest of moments. I believe spontaneous manifestation is tied either to a particularly strong will to live or to a strong sense of will to return originating from a hive mind. As I am not part of a hive mind, and as fruit (to the best of my knowledge) are not sentient, this possibility was dismissed brusquely, with a sound swat on the bottom.
  2. Quantum Superpositioning. This is a very real possibility. I had spent rather a long time in the fruit section in Asda during the morning and, while I didn’t actually buy any grapes (that I can remember), spent a significant amount of time eyeing up the juicy goodies. My hypothesis here is that the intensity of my gaze, coupled with a healthy dose of Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle,  generated enough high-energy activity at a quantum level to cause the fruit in question to immediately superposition, resulting in it existing simultaneously in Asda and in my fruit bowl. When the inevitable shiny distraction caused me to change the focus of my attention, the field was broken and the grapes were left stranded. This is a sound theory. I feel further research is needed; in particular using women’s undergarments as the experimental media.
  3. Pixies. The Swamp Pixie, who has been spending an increasing amount of time stalking around my living room in the dead of night, posits that I may have a colony of wild male pixies living in my back garden. It may well be that the grapes have been left by one or other of these annoying little people as some form of primitive gift. Either way, tough luck! They’ve already been nommed.

It has been suggested to me that I may simply have bought the grapes and then forgotten about it and then forgotten that I’d forgotten. Not true. I’d remember if I’d forgotten I’d forgotten about something I’d boughten. I’m clearly perfect, and I don’t take kindly to people casting aspersions on my heroic intellect.

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