Category Archive: Lunchtime Tales

Feb 09

Finding Jesus in my soup

David stared into the bowl of soup where the face of Jesus had materialised and wondered why The Man looked so much like a serial killer. “I mean, if you’re the Son of God you can look like anyone, right?” The face widened its eyes a little, rivulets of Heinz Cream of Tomato streaming to …

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Apr 08

Incoming!

The pigeon emitted a ghastly shriek as it spun out of the sky and strafed the pavement by my feet. I leapt nimbly to the side and kicked out with one foot, sending the hideous creature hurtling headlong into a nearby bush. “Aha! Take that!” I cried, dancing the happy dance and celebrating my triumphant …

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Apr 08

Crepe Paper Suit

It was early in the evening when the leathery little chap in the crepe paper suit first approached me as I was walking through the park. He did not do so directly, but instead walked past on my right hand side, circled around behind me, and then sidled around to my left. He gave me …

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Mar 26

Boing.

My ears twitched in annoyance at the springing fool in front of me. Up and down he bounced, grinning inanely and clapping his hands over his head. Clearly, having massive coiled springs attached to his feet had driven off his sanity. “Woooooooooo” he cried. “Look at meeeeeeee!” “Yes.” I said. “You’re bouncing. Well done.” He …

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Mar 24

Fish Spoon Phone

Kio said Fish. John D said Spoon. Alex was on the phone. Hence, the following. The ground shook as the great, flapping, pufferfish bounced down the street towards me. It was one of the weird deep-sea varieties – all teeth and spikes – and didn’t appear to be particularly pleased to be bouncing down a …

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Mar 24

Elephant-faced man.

I hit the ground with a thump, danced around a little, and then grinned cheerfully at nothing in particular. The elephant-faced man hit the ground a few feet behind me, but at a considerably higher velocity (due to the additional mass he carried in the center of his face). “Oho!” I cried, dancing around my …

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Aug 09

Teacup explosion.

It did – with a very loud bang and a splattering of delicious orangey brown beverage. It wasn’t made clear to me at the time exactly why the teacup exploded, but explode it most certainly did. I was a small boy a the time, no taller than four inches, and a teacup was – in …

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Apr 26

Ectoplasm

I once had opportunity to visit a strange old lady who swore blind she could nasally extrude ectoplasm. She’d sit there, in the dark, rocking gently, and then whoop loudly, causing me to leap in the air. Invisible to all eyes except hers, a languid ectoplasmic tentacle would peer from her snout and poke around …

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Apr 22

Onions for sale!

As I was walking to the wash-house one day, I happened upon a little man pushing a very large cart. I approached him and noticed his particularly leathery visage, which seemed to fit very well with his miniature stature.. “Good Morning,” I said. “Good Morning yourself,” he replied. “If you will pardon my curiosity,” I …

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Oct 28

Recursive Pachydermic Snufflings

Effie the elephant isn’t so much an elephant as an elefumble. The difficulty comes when her nasty habit becomes apparent. Effie is known to frequent the darker and danker regions of the less salubrious airports where she indulges in her passion for luggage snuffling. She snuffles luggage. In a word, she snorts trunks. With her …

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