The Book of Fail. Chapter 1.
The Book of Fail
Being an account of the End of Days
Chapter 1
1. And it came to pass that The Great Orange Stupid looked upon the face of The Company and was displeased.
2. He spoke unto the sky and unto the firmament and unto all living things saying “Where is there an Administrator of Systems that I may have unto myself a well configured network?”
3. And the firmament was silent. The sky also was silent. And all living things were too busy playing Nintendo to offer an opinion.
4. And The Great Orange Stupid rolled up his sleeves and said unto himself “Lo, I shall make me a room of servers. Five cubits long it shall be and three cubits wide, even unto a height of three cubits.
5. And I shall decorate the room of servers lavishly with the cheapest B&Q paint, so better to attract an Administrator of Systems worth of my network.”
6. And The Great Orange Stupid did build the room of servers. Five cubits long it was and three cubits wide, even unto a height of three cubits.
7. And the Great Orange Stupid did lavishly decorate the room of servers. And the walls ran off-white with the cheapest B&Q paint. And The Great Orange Stupid took all of the mops and buckets and cleaning cloths and caustic soda and vacuum cleaners and old bin bags from out the room of servers and did lay them on an alter for the cleaners to collect.
8. And the Great Orange Stupid looked upon the face of the room of servers but was displeased.
9. And he spoke unto the room of servers saying “Woe to thee, O room of servers. Where are thy racks? Where are thy servers? Where is thine disorganised rats-nest of broken cables?” And the room of servers sat silent in its shame, for neither had it racks nor servers nor a disorganised rats-nest of broken cables.
10. And The Great Orange Stupid reached out with his hand and there were racks. And he reached out his hand and the racks were filled with servers of exquisite brokenness.
11. And he called out to the rats of the field, saying “O ye rats of the field! Weave for me a complicated and unmanageable tangle of CAT-5E that I may vex and dismay my Administrator of Systems.”
12. And the rats of the field heard The Great Orange Stupid and did scamper to him, weaving a nest of complicated and unmanageable CAT-5E.
13. And The Great Orange stupid looked upon the room of servers and saw that it was good.
14. And The Great Orange Stupid did summon all the monkeys of the field and did say “O monkeys of the field! Write for me software that I may run on my servers of exquisite brokenness. And make it complicated and unmaintainable and invest it with FAIL and stupid.
15. And the monkeys of the field did write the software and did invest it with all the FAIL of the world and all the stupid of The Great Orange Stupid and did taint the servers of exquisite brokeness with its hellish presence.
16. And The Great Orange Stupid did speak to the Angel of Human Resources saying “Find for me an Administrator of Systems, that I might populate mine room of servers with his presence. Let him know UNIX and Oracle and Perl and legion other computery skills, yay even unto Visual Basic.”
17. And the Angel of Human Resources replied “Alas Great Orange Stupid, nowhere in thy kingdom is there to be found an Administrator of Systems with the skills thou dost require.”
18. And The Great Orange Stupid grew vexed and waxed mighty in his wroth. And he spake unto the Angel of Human Resources saying “Thou shalt venture out into mine kingdom and find for me such an Administrator of systems. In the corners of all the world thou shalt search and thou shalt not return until the Administrator of Systems I seek is found, lest thou be the recipient of a good kick in the knackers.”
19. And the Angel of Human Resources did scowl and went forth into all the kingdom.
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