The Temple of Bague Wasting bandwidth since 1997 - Now in our 27th wasteful year!
Rants / April 12, 2006 / John / 2
It is, you know. I know this. I know this for a fact. How do I know it? Well, let me explain. You see, I bought the DVD of King Kong from Tesco last night. Unfortunately, before I can watch it, I have to sit through a three minute UNSKIPPABLE ‘Piracy Is A Crime’ FUD-commercial.
Rants / October 26, 2005 / John / 1
Yesterday, my five year old girl was stung by a wasp at school. She was very upset. Her teacher was unable to give her a hug in case she’s sued. Her teacher was unable to put vinegar on the sting in case she’s sued. As a result, my daughter had to spend an extended period
Rants / September 15, 2005 / John
Why is it? Why? Why do I have a binary cooker? It has four gas outlets. One small, two medium and one large. Each of these outlets has six settings – from off to full. This is fine. This is not, however, reality. The reality is that my cooker is a binary cooker. It has
Ramblings, Rants / September 15, 2005 / John
Five men arrested. By 500 policemen. That’s 100 policemen each. They must have really expected a struggle. Imagine my surprise at finding that the five men were neither Jedi who had fallen to the dark side, nor mutants with terrifying supernatural powers but were, in fact, some young lads who happen to live on a
Rants / September 13, 2005 / John
“Don’t Panic!” the newspapers scream. “Meeeeeeehhhhhhh!” bleats the population of Midlothian. “Meeeeh? What are we not supposed to panic about? Fuel? Protests? Fuel protests? MeeeeeeEEEAAH! Look! A petrol pump with one person waiting!” “THE SKY IS FALLING IN” And so the newspapers create a fuel shortage where none existed. None existed because there are no
Rants / February 9, 2005 / John / 0
Plenitude Action Liposomes. Nutrigrain. Ambi-pur Liquifresh. Excuse me? It’s the new black! Somewhere, some advertising nob-end decided “Hey, I know! Let’s advertise all our products by making up new words! We could just chop up bits of existing words and stick em together to make new ones!” So, I have a quest – I’m sitting
Rants / January 5, 2005 / John / 0
Dear oh fecking dear. I bought a plastic bottle of “Channel Islands Milk” from Tesco. That’s the creamy, slightly golden, milk from Jersey Cows. I was pouring a glass of it when a small flash of colour caught my eye. There, on the side of the bottle, was an allergy warning. ALLERGY WARNING! it proclaimed.
Rants / December 9, 2004 / John / 0
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells Jingle all the fucking way. Oh what bastard fun it is to have PIPED FUCKING CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING EVERY BLOODY PLACE YOU BASTARDING GO. It’s christmas time. According to Woolworth’s shelf-stockers, it’s been christmas time since fucking SEPTEMBER. It was christmas before it was bloody halloween this year. “But it’s nice,”
Rants / August 9, 2004 / John / 0
One of my children was stung by a wasp at the weekend. That sentence, on its own, paints quite a vivid picture, doesn’t it? Sort of. You see, the thing is this: a sting exists in nature as a defense mechanism, allowing small delicate insects to defend themselves against much larger predators. So, how does
Rants / August 9, 2004 / John / 0
NO! I do not want an eight foot long penis. I do not want to look at cavorting cheerleaders. I do not want a herbal alternative to viagra, and I most certainly do not want to see “Hot naked barely legal chicks getting off with giant octopus people from the third void of Quarg”. What