Stupid Stuff On Things You Buy
Plenitude Action Liposomes. Nutrigrain. Ambi-pur Liquifresh. Excuse me? It’s the new black! Somewhere, some advertising nob-end decided “Hey, I know! Let’s advertise all our products by making up new words! We could just chop up bits of existing words and stick em together to make new ones!”
So, I have a quest – I’m sitting here in my little room at work and I’m going to walk around downstairs and see how many stupid things I can find on product packaging.
Oooo I didn’t do badly at all. So, here we have – in no particular order – the results.
Toilet Duck, apparently, uses Neutrafresh Technology. Now then. What the fuck is that, eh? Now, I am an admittedly simple person, but I’d have thought that Toilet Duck was a thick green liquid that you squirted down the bog to make it smell nice. I didn’t really think it was particularly advanced, technology wise, and I most definitely didn’t expect it to be so advanced it’d required making up a sodding word to describe it. I could maybe understand if you squirted it down the bog and it swam off to the sea, retrieved some exotic herbs and spices from a faraway land, and filled the bowl with a deeply scented herbal infusion but – and let’s be realistic here – it really doesn’t do anything that complex, does it? It also, apparently, has a thick formula. That’s kinda like H2NO4, but written as H2NO4 presumably. Or maybe it’s not the representation of the formula that’s thick – maybe it uses special thick atoms or something. Or maybe the people who write the blurb are twats. Next Please!
A brief one now – Haze Professional. Eh? “hi, can I have a can of Haze, please. Oh no, not the domestic one – I only use professional.” Get a grip.
Carex soap. For washing shitex of your handex, presumably.
Shockwaves “Volumising” Spray. Well, really. Volumising? Is that actually a real word? I don’t think so. It’s like they say in america – “Oh no! You’ve been burglarized” – I’ve been what? Oh! Burgled! Mined ewe, Voluming doesn’t sound much better – in fact it sounds vaguely rude, really. Anyway, this delightful product also boasts a “micro diffuse formula” which I can only believe means that, unlike the extra thick atoms used above, these little tykes are teensy little with huge fucking gaps between them. But they do ensure you have manageable hair, and that’s what’s important. God knows what kind of state the world would be in if hair didn’t have anyone to manage it. So, leaving the George Martin of the stylist industry aside, we move on.
Saxa Table Salt. The Prince of the Land of What the Fuck. You know what salt is, right? It’s a white powder that can be dangerous in large amounts. No, not that one,the one they used to pay roman soldiers with (were they thick, or what?). You put it on your chips. With brown sauce, I hasten to add. Anyway, there’s a tube of Saxa salt in our kitchen at the moment and on the back there is, god help me, a serving suggestion. Just in case you didn’t fucking know you were supposed to put it on your fucking chips they draw you a fucking picture. Except they don’t draw you a picture of a plate of chips with salt on. Oh no. They draw you a picture of Spaghetti Bolognese. HELLO? Yes, I daresay that, with the addition of a few minor ingredients such as, er, bolognese and spaghetti, salt could be turned into spaghetti bolognese, but it’s really not the top of the shopping list is it? “Right, what am I having for dinner? Spaghetti Bolognese! I’d better check I have enough salt!” I don’t fucking think so.
So, that’s the stupid things I found after looking for two seconds. I shall leave further investigation as an exercise for someone who gives a shit.
Leave a Comment