The Temple of the Mighty Bague

It is, you know. I know this. I know this for a fact.

How do I know it? Well, let me explain. You see, I bought the DVD of King Kong from Tesco last night. Unfortunately, before I can watch it, I have to sit through a three minute UNSKIPPABLE ‘Piracy Is A Crime’ FUD-commercial. Well, that’s fine. But hang on, guys - I’ve PAID for this DVD. Surely the best people to target with your annoying bloody rants would be the people who DON’T BUY THE BLOOMIN’ THINGS.

Course, there’s two courses of action I could take. First off, I could rip the DVD and remove the annoying unskippable bit. Which would kind of defeat the point a little, but never mind. Secondly, I could send Universal a bill for my time, to make up for the time I’m wasting in front of their poorly targetted FUD-missile.

Of course, if Universal decided not to pay, they’d be stealing my time. And as we know: STEALING IS AGAINST THE LAW.

Bah.

Yesterday, my five year old girl was stung by a wasp at school. She was very upset. Her teacher was unable to give her a hug in case she’s sued. Her teacher was unable to put vinegar on the sting in case she’s sued. As a result, my daughter had to spend an extended period of time upset and in pain. So:

Dear Society

Stop being such a bunch of spineless bloody idiots.

Love

John

ps I’m going to sue for the needless distress and pain my child has been caused.

Why is it?

Why?

Why do I have a binary cooker?

It has four gas outlets. One small, two medium and one large.

Each of these outlets has six settings - from off to full.

This is fine.

This is not, however, reality.

The reality is that my cooker is a binary cooker. It has two temperatures.

It has off.

It has FIRES OF HELL.

I’m trying to build a curry and it’s kinda tough to do with all the demons of Gehenna attempting to cremate everything that comes within a mile of it.

Five men arrested. By 500 policemen. That’s 100 policemen each. They must have really expected a struggle.

Imagine my surprise at finding that the five men were neither Jedi who had fallen to the dark side, nor mutants with terrifying supernatural powers but were, in fact, some young lads who happen to live on a traveller camp. Who were accused of robbing post offices. Slightly over the top response, do you think?

If they were so concerned about these men, perhaps it would have been best to nuke the site from orbit. After all, it’s the only way to be sure(tm).

BBC NEWS | England | Dawn swoop by 500 police officers

“Don’t Panic!” the newspapers scream.

“Meeeeeeehhhhhhh!” bleats the population of Midlothian. “Meeeeh? What are we not supposed to panic about? Fuel? Protests? Fuel protests? MeeeeeeEEEAAH! Look! A petrol pump with one person waiting!”

“THE SKY IS FALLING IN”

And so the newspapers create a fuel shortage where none existed.

None existed because there are no protests planned for Scotland. None. Not one.