The Clan of the Cave Bague

How many syllables, Dear Reader, are there in “car”?

Yup, that’s right. One.

So how many syllables are there in “C”?

No, you’re quite right – it’s also one.

So you would think there would be little point in replacing the word “Car” with “C”, would you? It’s not an improvement in terms of efficiency of language – if anything the opposite is true.

So, you can image my confusion this morning when someone on Radio 4 was referring to a “car bomb” as a “C-bomb”. Why would they want to do that, I wonder?

Because, Dear Reader, “C Bomb” sounds a bit like “A bomb” or “H bomb”, and as a result sounds scarier. And as we all know, it’s the job of the British media to frighten their audiences. Responsible journalism be damned – all they want is sensationalism, frightening content, and hyperbole. And if the news doesn’t exist, make it up.

It’s interesting that Messers Ross and Brand got themselves all over the news in the same week their new books were released.

$COW-ORKER: John, my phone’s not working. I was speaking to someone and it went dead.

Me: Is it plugged in?

$COW-ORKER: Of course it’s plugged in. I was speaking to someone on it!

Me: But is it plugged in?

$COW-ORKER: Well obviously it’s plugged in because I was able to make a call before it went dead!

Me: But is it currently plugged in?

$COW-ORKER: The phone is clearly faulty.

<I go and check>

Me: The phone isn’t plugged in. 

So, my mammie bought us this hyacinth in a pot. It’s very very pretty but smells like dead things. It was sitting on the kitchen window sill and every time anyone walked past it they made a comment about the unnatural reek emanating from it. Because of all the bad vibes being directed at the poor thing it began to wither. So I took it upon myself to save it from a life of verbal abuse and take it into work with me. What I didn’t know is that it’s also cursed.

So there I was, ambling along the path with my laptop bag over my shoulder, my lunch bag in one hand and the cursed pot plant in the other hand, with my lovely wife wandering along behind carrying my baritone.

The plant obviously objected to being removed from its area of influence because two seconds later I stepped on what can only be described as the only patch of ice in the whole of West Lothian, and down I went. The yoghurt in my lunch bag exploded, covering my lunch in banana flavoured goo, my laptop bag fell to the ground with a sickening crunch, and I sustained 2d4 hit points of damage.

The Hyacinth (purple) scattered to the four winds but, despite its best efforts was unable to drag me into its self-destructive attention seeking.

I was really annoyed – until, that is, my wife sent me a link to Virtual Florist. The meaning attached to a Purple Hyacinth is “I am sorry, Please forgive me”. Or just generally “Sorrow”.

I’ll think about it.

The Ministry of Defence have announced five days of depleted uranium (DU) weapons-testing on its Dundrennan range in Kirkcudbrightshire, Scotland. Despite numerous scientific studies proving the health and environmental damage of DU missiles, as well as growing international criticism of the weapons, the MOD continues to stick its fingers in its ears and repeat its mantra – “Na, na, na. I can’t hear you!”

Full Story

According to a blog I’ve just come across, Gordon Brown has testified in court (via legal representation, one would expect) that manifesto pledges aren’t actually something to take seriously. Really?

Is there more to life than shoes?: Did you think a manifesto pledge meant something?

A bloke I know works for the Britannia Building Society. He’s just received the following internal memo.

Piggy Banks or Froggy Banks?

As a result of feedback received from our members through the Feedback Café, we have made changes to our Piggy Bank Promotion.

We were made aware that we have members and potential members who are interested in our children’s savings account but their religious beliefs may mean that they are unable to take out the account due to the savings bank being a pig.

To ensure that the account appeals to everyone and that there are no disappointed children out there we have secured a limited stock of ‘Froggy Banks’ as an alternative to the ‘Piggy Banks’ for customers in this situation.

The ‘Froggy Banks’ are not to be offered as an alternative to all customers, only offer ‘Froggy Banks’ to customers who advise you of a religious or cultural reason that may prevent them from taking out this account. .

If you would like to order a ‘Froggy Bank’ please follow the following process;

1. Branch member emails xxxx@britannia.co.uk with the request for a frog.
2. The decision is made as to whether there is a valid case to have a frog.
3. If the request is valid a frog will be ordered.
4. XXXX will courier a frog to the customer – do not contact XXXX directly as they will only respond to requests through the correct channels.

Now, forgive me if I’m being naive, but this is the BRITANNIA building society, yes? It’s not the INDIA, or ARABIA? Last time I looked, Piggy Banks have been a part of British culture since the 18th Century. But now, it appears, Britannia are to offer a Froggy bank as an “alternative” to a Piggy Bank to those customers who are insecure enough as to be offended by a pottery piggy. And who pays for the special run of Froggy Banks, do you think? Will it be reflected in the interest rate offered to those for whom a standard piggy bank isn’t good enough? Course not – it’ll be factored into the overall costs that ALL customers pay. Even the ones without a morbid terror of all things porky.

So there we have it – established business practices and social traditions can be overturned on a whim just to be politically correct. I don’t know about anyone else, but I find the idea of brutalising women, corporal punishment and forced marriages offensive. Don’t see any of those things being publicly criticised any time soon.

The thing I find the most wierd about this is that I know loads of Muslims, none of whom would bat an eyelid at a piggy bank. So who are these people popping up and complaining about piggy banks, nativity plays, etc etc. I don’t actually think they exist. The Muslims I know personally are well-adjusted, gentle, friendly people. These few people throwing a strop at every little thing are doing no favours for Islam.

The christians in this country are constantly being reminded that it’s a multicultural society and that we should be tolerant and accepting.

It seems to me that all the “tolerance” is going down a one-way street.

p.s. I noticed that NatWest are currently using piggy bank imagery in their printed material – expect that to be dropped real soon.

p.p.s. Pork is banned in Islam. Piggy banks aren’t made out of pork.

See? I told you! Nothing is sacred any more – the politically correct brigade are entwined so deeply into the fabric of our society that we can no longer express ourselves artistically.

What a load of utter crap.

Beeb censors Fairytale of New York | The Register

In which rampaging political correctness strikes at the very heart of all that is sacred.

So, Wifie – the Christmas Spirit being upon her – decided to buy a “Best Ever Christmas Songs Ever Ever Volume 29″ album. You know the one, Noddy Holder, Chris de Burgh – the kind of thing you can only ever stomach at christmas time but without which, well, it just isn’t right.

So there I was, archiving off some old Oracle logs while the Christmas CD was playing in the background. And then Fairytale of New York came on. “That’s strange,” thought I, “that doesn’t sound like Shane McGowan.” And indeed it didn’t because it wasn’t. It was Ronan Sodding Keating. With some other nontentity.

“What what what what what?” quoth I. “You can’t have Fairytale of new York without The Pogues? What possible reason could they have for sticking a really crap cover version on the CD when the real version has been on every christmas album ever made?”

I’ll tell you, ladies and gentlemen. The Lyrics. They’ve. Changed. The. Lyrics.

You know, those beautiful perfect lyrics that paint a vivid and eloquent picture of two old has-beens having a cat fight and then making up on christmas eve. They’ve taken out the word “faggot” (you know, “you scumbag, you maggot, you cheap lousy faggot”) but, bizarrely, left in “arse” (remember? “Happy christmas your arse, I pray God it’s our last”).

This is NOT political correctness. This is abusive political revisionism, and the only place this can possibly lead to is the burning of books.

Right. Now pay attention while I make something completely clear. It’s  not “The Festive Season”. Neither is it “The Holiday Season”. It’s CHRISTMAS. That’s right, CHRISTMAS. With the word CHRIST in it.

If you don’t celebrate Christmas, well, then that’s a shame but we’re all entitled to our beliefs. Just as we are entitled to refer to OUR holiday in OUR country in any way we see fit, thankyouverymuch.

BBC NEWS | Scotland | Rail services hit by festive work

OK. So, yesterday I received my 13th request from a semi-stranger to join his network on Facebook.

Let me make this as completely clear as I possibly can, to save anyone else from asking.

I do not have a facebook account.

I will never have a facebook account.

I have no interest whatsoever in YOUR facebook account, or the facebook accounts of anyone else you might think you know.

Let me repeat that, just in case the subtler nuances of my points evaded you:

I do not have a facebook account.

I will never have a facebook account.

I have no interest whatsoever in YOUR facebook account, or the facebook accounts of anyone else you might think you know.

‘kthxbye.