Okay, so I work in I.T. As a result of this, I know more than my fair share of acronyms – both three-letter and otherwise.

This notwithstanding, I found this book bewildering in the extreme. Not because it reads like stereo instructions (it does) and not because of the acronyms (after all, they are spelled out in English the first time each one is named). Well, ok, the acronym’s were a part of it – by the time I was 75% of the way through, all the major technical terms and acronyms had been defined and were therefore used freely. In huge, opaque, paragraph-sized chunks. But they weren’t the main problem.

My problem is, simply put, this: This is a book about a submarine. Tom Clancy writes with utter conviction and passion. Which left this question echoing in my big ol’ empty head.

How, in the name of all that’s sacred, can ANYONE get SO WORKED UP about a sodding submarine??

I mean, really!

I haven’t finished this, and I’m not going to. There are two compelling (for me) reasons why this is the case.

Firstly, it’s written in the present tense and that irritates the hell out of me. I have no justification for this – it just does. The irritation of the tense is simply greater than the draw of the narrative.

This, on its own, wouldn’t stop me from reading a novel – it’s the secondary issue that is causing me the most grief. I need to read something which will immerse me totally. The Twilight Saga, for all its faults, has gripped me so deeply that every word I write is being influenced by it. I’m not trying to write Ms Meyer’s story, thanks – I’m trying to write my own.

As a result, I’m heading for the generic safety oTom Clany.

I make no apologies. I really enjoyed these books. I’m also glad I decided to split my mini-reviews as well, although I should have just covered all four at once. So, we know the plot – human girl meets vampire boy, romance ensues, strife arises and is resolved. The End. As far as the plot goes, stretching fairly elegantly over the four volumes, it’s all very entertaining. I only really have two issues.

The central two books are, well, bleak. Like really bleak. Even as a 38 year old bloke, I found myself surprisingly affected by the wringer that the central characters get put through – god knows what the teenagers of the target audience make of it.

Which, I guess, brings me to my second issue. The relationships in these books give me some cause for concern – not the moral or cross-species aspects, but the utter selfless perfection of them. People just don’t behave the way these characters do. This is fine – I’m an adult and I can see that. Thing is, a youngster discovering their first taste of romance through these novels just might use those relationships as the yardstick to measure their own stumbling first steps and – trust me on this – may be bitterley disappointed.

But hey – it’s fantasy and I’m an old fuddy duddy.

I will finish on a high-note. After the depressing middle section, the final book really ups the tempo and even delivers quite a few laughs along the way. Ok, there’s an utterley ludicrous deus ex machina in there, but who cares – it’s no worse than Harry bloody Potter in that regard

My recently awakened inner teenager has been effectively slapped down by a quick and brutal application of mud, steel, mud, murder, mud, betrayal, mud, sinister priests, mud, torture and mud.

Once again, Mr Cornwell’s prose lurches between exhilirating drama and tedious history lectures, but to a lesser degree than in Winter King. In other words, this one isn’t quite so much work and the author of Sharpe shows through quite clearly.

Cringe. Ahem. I really really enjoyed this book It’s pretty lightweight and can be read in two days (as I did) but I’d really recommend reading it over three. It’s the middle-third that does it. It’s so reeking with love-lorn teenage angst (put it this way – it quotes Romeo & Juliet) that if you stop reading half way through (as I did) you’ll spend a significant amount of time moping around the place like an Emo Kid (like I did).

I am so glad my teenage years are very very far behind me